THE ROMANTIC FUTURES OF ALL THE 2016 BACHELOR CONTESTANTS

  1. Amanda, 25, Esthetician
    Amanda and her cute little girls take a trip to Disneyland. Her eyes meet with Aladdin's, and the rest is history.
  2. Amber, 30, Bartender
    After two failed attempts on The Bachelor, Amber swears off dating. She opens her own cool bar where cool people are cool. She gets an interview for a cool bar magazine.
  3. Becca, 26, Chiropractic Assistant
    After two failed attempts on The Bachelor, Becca marries the first eligible bachelor that comes in to the chiropractor's office.
  4. Breanne, 30, Nutritional Therapist
    Breanne starts a movement against bread, protesting outside bakeries all over the US. She tragically falls in love with a baker in New Orleans, but her passion for Paleo is stronger than her passion for Paulo.
  5. Caila, 23, Software Sales Representative
    Devastated by her loss of her true love Ben Higgins, Caila finds joy in adopting kittens. Twenty years later, she is found dead amongst three hundred obese cats.
  6. Emily, 22, Twin
    Emily keeps being a twin. She and Hayley have a short lived reality show. It's very uncomfortable to watch, but worth it for like one episode.
  7. Hayley, 22, Twin
    Hayley keeps being a twin. She does not become a cheerleader. She starts dating the DP on her reality show, but things don't pan out. Much like the reality show itself.
  8. Isabel "Izzy," 24, Graphic Designer
    Izzy becomes the lead designer on a new Bachelor game app. It does extremely well, but does not bring her closer to winning The Bachelor.
  9. Jackie, 23, Gerontologist
    Jackie spends the rest of her life explaining gerontology to people. There isn't time to fall in love.
  10. Jami, 23, Bartender
    Jami is featured in the same cool bar magazine as Amber. She's listed as one of the 30 hottest bartenders under 30. She gets a lot of fan mail from guys, but is really just trying to focus on herself right now.
  11. Jennifer, 25, Small Business Owner
    Jennifer becomes a Bachelor producer/professional shit starter. As someone who was always next to the limelight, she's glad to be making the limelight happen. She winks at another producer for a while, but he turns out to be gay.
  12. Jessica, 23, Accountant
    Jessica experiments with her sexuality and goes to Europe and moves in with a tall woman named Jacqueline in Paris. She writes a pretty good memoir about it, I recommend it.
  13. Joelle "Jo Jo," 24, Real Estate Developer
    ??????????
  14. Jubilee, 24, War Veteran
    After getting really into yoga, Jubilee gets certified as an instructor. Most importantly, she learns to love herself.
  15. Lace, 25, Real Estate Agent
    Lace spends a lot of time finding her real self. She goes on Bachelor in Paradise, but nothing compares to the man that stole her heart: the man that got a tattoo of her face on his body. That commitment confirms that he's as ready for love as she is.
  16. Laura, 24, Account Executive
    Laura lands a major account at ABC. She meets up with Chris Harrison for drinks, and he asks her out, but she feels weird about it and never calls him again.
  17. Lauren "LB," 23, Fashion Buyer
    LB attends New York Fashion Week and meets Justin Bieber's swag coach, Ryan Good. They get married and have a couple of nice looking kids. He makes her laugh every day.
  18. Lauren B, 25, Flight Attendant
    ?????????????????
  19. Lauren H, 25, Kindergarten Teacher
    Lauren takes her students on a field trip to a local farm. She finds a nice tractor man and they have a very mason jar wedding.
  20. Lauren R, 26, Math Teacher
    Lauren keeps teaching math. Things get heated with the science teacher during a pep rally, but it doesn't really go anywhere.
  21. Leah, 25, Event Planner
    Leah ends up in rehab six months after the show, but fortunately falls in love with her counselor there. Unfortunately, she never had a counselor and has been transferred to solitary confinement in a psych ward on a spooky mountain.
  22. Maegan, 30, Cowgirl
    After losing on The Bachelor as a 30 year old cowgirl, Maegan shaves her head and moves to The Himalayas and is never heard from again.
  23. Mandi, 28, Dentist
    Mandi marries an effeminate floral shop owner. He cheats on her with her dental assistant, Roy. She starts a dental talk show. It lasts six episodes.
  24. Olivia, 23, News Anchor
    Olivia finds a small troll has been hiding in her gaping mouth. She gets it removed, but is forever insecure about her past troll. She meets a man at a SoulCycle class who has parasites. "Good enough," she says. They wed on an island, but the boat leaves for the mainland without them. They are stranded forever.
  25. Rachel, 23, Unemployed
    Rachel finally gets a job after 2 years of unemployment as an office manager at a veterinarian office. A man brings in his pet pig who has highs cholesterol. They laugh. They have chicken at their wedding. It's dry.
  26. Samantha, 26, Attorney
    Samantha will have a perfectly fine life until a major hot air ballon accident, leaving her paralyzed from the waist down. She and her physical therapist fall in love.
  27. Shushanna, 27, Mathematician
    Shushanna will realize she is much more powerful without a man dragging her down. She will discover her ability to produce glowing orbs, and will fill the world with light and math and dance.
  28. Tiara, 26, Chicken Enthusiast
    Tiara will fight her state marriage laws so she can finally wed her beloved chicken, Sheila. The state does not abide.