VERY ACCURATE HOROSCOPES FOR TODAY πŸ€

One thing I know about all the judges: they were born. Congrats on that, guys. Hope you enjoy what the future holds in store for you today! @aus10
  1. β€’
    Aries (March 21 - April 19)
    On your morning run, you will run into a man named Charlie Mundane. You will strike up a conversation with him, and he gives you his favorite book. You will find twenty dollars in the index with a note that says β€œI always knew you would find me”
  2. β€’
    Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
    During today's yoga class, you'll feel slightly warmer than usual. The air conditioning isn't working today. It'll be a little more stressful, but you'll get a manicure after so it's fine.
  3. β€’
    Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
    After going back and forth for almost two weeks, you decide to buy the Prius. Be aware that you still have to decide add-ons and a color. I'd go with a nice pewter.
  4. β€’
    Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
    The meeting with your boss will go very well today, and they'll put you in charge of the development department. You will immediately say yes and immediately regret it because wow you don't even know what the development department does. Good luck on your first day tomorrow!
  5. β€’
    Leo (July 23 - August 22)
    Hooray! A fourth grade class will invite you to go apple picking! Be wary of sticky hands, muddy grass, and cow pies. And don't get Granny Smith apples; they didn't do well this season.
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    Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
    A spa vacation is in your future. How nice! During a massage, you'll learn you have very ticklish feet. Stay away from the mud baths; the attendant is a one-thousand year old troll. Oh, and they're putting in a nice zen garden on the office rooftop today.
  7. β€’
    Libra (September 23 - October 22)
    Oh snap. Corey from spin class is giving you his Beyonce tickets?! Word of caution: don't invite Greg. He gets really sweaty when he dances. Don't bother bringing cash for merchandise, it will be all sold out by the time you get there.
  8. β€’
    Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
    Listen, that prank you pulled last week is going to come back to bite you today. Yeah, I'm talking about when you threw water balloons into Mrs. Langston's yard. Her husband is mowing the grass today, and he doesn't know how many balloons are going to clog his favorite lawnmower. Better save up to buy them a new one, punk.
  9. β€’
    Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
    You will be asked to do some nude modeling for an art class today. Up for anything, you will say yes. It will be a bit uncomfortable at first when you see that the class is a bunch of second graders, but they are very skilled in the field. Bring a sweater, it will get a bit nippy.
  10. β€’
    Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
    An adventure awaits you today! Without much time or preparation, you must run to the hills for your favorite chocolate milk. The entire county has run out, and you are in need. Take a toothbrush, it will be three days until you find the golden grocery store.
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    Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
    A friend, probably Marianne, will invite you to her favorite sushi bar for lunch. Little does she know, you will also invite Leonard from Accounting. Stay at another table to give them time to fall in love. Brace yourself when Marianne gives you an earful on the way home.
  12. β€’
    Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
    Today is the day. Take the plunge, and dye your hair blue. Marcus won't mind, I promise. It's your hair! You can do whatever you want! And you want to dye it blue. The hair dresser you will go to will charge you way too much, but he'll also make you a chai latte. Pick and choose your battles.