Everyone Loves Connor: The Rose Schaefer Story: A Calvinist in Athleisure

Because it's the birthday of @roseschaefer and I will someday ghostwrite her autobiography. Here are the working chapter titles, in no particular order. Happy birthday, Rose!
  1. "All of Me is Damp"
  2. Backup Careers: Window Painter, Bartender, Uber Driver, Art Forger, Pool Shark
  3. Twitchy Weirdo
  4. Misanthropy: It Isn't Easy
  5. "I Missed Homecoming Princess by One Vote"
  6. Reasons People Like Me: "She's from Portland and She Has a Thigh Gap"
  7. Loose Rubber Gloves and Nail Polish
  8. "I'm Excavating My Skittles Now"
  9. B-List Bridesmaids
  10. "I Would Have Been Really Good on the House Un-American Activities Committee"
  11. "And That's Why I Don't Like Warm, Soft Cheese"
  12. "I Have the Attention Span of an Avocado"
  13. Boy Crazy at 7
  14. Migraine Extravaganza