Inspired by @mindy first and foremost. But a bunch of people have done this. All times are approximate estimations.
  1. I want to make it very clear that the entirety of my funeral will take place on board a Boeing 747 transatlantic flight.
  2. I also want to emphasize how much I do not want to be buried.
    I want to be cremated and scattered across the earth. Although, those new weird mushroom pods are intriguing... Nah. Cremation it is.
  3. So back to the plane. Yes, guests will have to purchase a ticket. I'm sorry, that's how capitalism works.
    All proceeds, like the entirety of my will, shall be bequeathed to my beagle(s).
  4. The plane will be filled to max capacity.
    If need be, mourners will be hired. I am not above this and I want a full house.
  5. I'm not sure who my officiant will be, but I would like to get Amy Poehler if at all possible. If not, let's go with Lorde.
    Should either of these options be unavailable, the ghost of Michel Foucault will suffice.
  6. The ceremony begins at 7:50 a.m. The moment of my birth and the moment that the first guest boards the plane.
    Respectful silence is the modus operandi. A strict vow of silence will be imposed. If anyone but the officiant speaks, they will have to exit the plane via parachute. All phones will be confiscated until the appropriate "Social Media Blastoff."
  7. Each seat will have a small television screen that features the documentary of my life, tentatively titled: Tales of a Fourth Grade Everything, which will be directed by whoever won the Oscar the year before.
    Ideally this film will span the length of the flight, but it can be played on a loop.
  8. Coffee will be served at 8:15.
    I generally only drink coffee for breakfast, so my mourners can follow suit.
  9. Once coffee has been served, guests will have time to ponder my legacy.
    Alternatively, they can listen to my funeral playlist, which is the entire oeuvre of Taylor Swift.
  10. The official ceremony led by Poehler/Lorde will begin at 11 a.m.
    By this time, the plane is well underway on its journey. The eulogy should be one hour long and incredibly poignant.
  11. Lunch will be served at noon, but everyone will be too upset to eat.
    Everyone should look glumly at their Caesar salads, which are now covered in tears.
  12. Several hours later: "The First Ash Scattering."
    This takes place in London, England. A sunny heath in Hyde Park.
  13. In between scatterings, guests will be invited to write down their best memories of me.
    They will then burn these in the lavatory.
  14. Several hours later: "The Second Ash Scattering."
    This takes place in the Bay of Islands, New Zealand. Guests are allowed to eat honeycomb ice cream. Lorde, if she is officiating, may exit after an acoustic performance of "Team."
  15. Guests are now allowed to use their phones for the approved "Social Media Blastoff."
    All posts should be approved by my social media manager.
  16. Several Hours Later: "The Final Ash Scattering."
    This takes place in Oklahoma City. Guests are invited to disembark the plane for the final time.
  17. The plane is torched in a secure location.
  18. Guests are given their gift bags.
    Contents include: a small portrait of myself and several beagle hairs.
  19. A prayer is said as guests hold hands near the ashes of the plane.
    Someone will probably say the word "impactful" and I will rise from the dead to express my distaste for the word.
  20. Fin.