THINGS SECRET SANTAS SHOULD NOT GIVE ME

I know, assholes will send me ALL of these things.
  1. 1.
    Elf on the shelf.
    That bastard is creepy.
  2. 2.
    Cheese.
    Dairy in general. Can't eat it. Not kidding. Not being a delicate flower about it.
  3. 3.
    Diamonds.
    No, really, I just couldn't...!
  4. 4.
    NRA Membership.
  5. 5.
    Wife beaters.
    It's not a good look for me.
  6. 6.
    Lawn mower.
  7. 7.
    Calendar.
    My mother will give me 3 when I go home and I won't use any of those, either.
  8. 8.
    Jam.
    I just don't eat jams/jellies. I have some apricot stuff I baked with last year that I never finished off and man... I should throw that out.
  9. 9.
    Coupons for 100 snuggles.
    I imagine that logistics will make them difficult to cash in, and if they don't... The odds I want to snuggle with a stranger are pretty low. No offense.
  10. 10.
    The free T-shirt you got from Citi Bank. Or that environmental group. Or the new granola bar.
    Although I guess I could give it away to next year's Secret Santa! 😄