MAKING A MURDERER RE: ME

Saying these things to me constitute your own death.
  1. "Can you pick me up at LAX tomorrow?"
    I know taxis are expensive but come on. Lyft now comes to LAX. This is super inconvenient for me.
  2. "I love Harry Potter! The movies are great!"
    Talk to me after you've turned to page 394, bitch.
  3. "So then we did jumps and then we went up a hill and wow, it was just the most amazing ride..."
    Will straight up murder-suey you if you go into detail about your spin class. It's amazing! I've done it too! Keep it to yourself!
  4. "There is such a thing as too much improv comedy"
    THERE'S NOT GOODBYE SIR OR MA'AM
  5. "Hey I'm so sorry, I have to bail"
    This happens so often in LA! Two hours before, I get it, something suddenly came up. Less than an hour, no. I've already planned how to escape from my apartment without encountering the Evil Basset Hound (EBH) downstairs. You don't get to cancel on me now.
  6. "I don't really like coffee"
    If you don't like coffee YOU are a murderer and thus I will have to murder you Frailty-style.
  7. "I'm not really in the mood for dessert."
    No.
  8. "I'm an ant living in your apartment"
    I WILL MURDER ALL OF YOU I HAVEN'T SEEN ANTZ IN 10 YEARS I HAVE NO SYMPATHY