MY IDEAL FUNERAL

  1. Jon Hamm & Kristen Wiig come as a couple, as per my final wish.
  2. My boss’s 3 dogs attend, wearing all black and those lace masks that people wore in the Victorian era.
  3. Tina Fey & Amy Poehler do two person improv.
  4. Ryan Gosling shows up with bagels and lox, which makes everyone laugh, like “oh Ryan!!!”
  5. There are at least four different kinds of soup, and two have to be matzo ball.
  6. Eddie Redmayne dramatically reads some of my best tweets.
  7. JK Rowling writes a prequel to the Harry Potter series but only writes one copy, by hand, and buries it with me.
  8. At a tender moment while the security guard from Bank of America Glendale branch is talking about our treasured friendship, Judith Light sheds a single tear.