THINGS DRUNK ME DOES THAT SOBER ME WOULD NEVER DO

  1. Clean my entire kitchen
  2. Fall asleep in the middle of a conversation at a swing dancing bar
  3. Go for a run
  4. Demand Rold Gold pretzels and insist other varieties are inferior
  5. Orchestrate a formal debate on Rold Gold v. Other Pretzels and force people I'm with to take strong stances on the issue
  6. Take out my contacts and throw them at people
  7. Walk into an open apartment that isn't mine (see above item re: "blurred vision")
  8. Eat the other apartment's tortilla chips. Realize there aren't tortilla chips in my apartment. Leave quietly.
  9. Cry because a pizza place is closed
  10. Cry because a diner is closed
  11. Cry because my eyes are closed