1. Jay Bell was the most popular guy at my high school. You could tell he was cool just by his name-- I mean, it only had two syllables.
  2. Jay Bell was at least 6 ft tall and the star point guard on our basketball team. People knew Jay Bell.
    He walked down the hallowed halls of school like a celebrity, swivel-waving to admirers like the Queen of Genovia.
  3. I envisioned our wedding, picked out our children’s names, and imagined how he’d propose. I was completely, irrevocably, irrationally in love with him.
    Obviously, we had never spoken.
  4. I admired Jay Bell from afar for several months, but one day I knew I would have to make my move.
    He WAS the most popular boy in school, after all. And I was mostly known for walking into walls, usually after staring longingly at Jay Bell as he strutted down a corridor.
  5. Other girls began to encroach on my territory. They started calling him “Jay.” That was my name for him!
    The situation was growing more dire every day.
  6. I planned our first encounter well. Jay Bell liked to stand on the small brick Swimming Hall of Fame monument, chatting to passersby.
    I usually left my cross-country bag next to the Hall of Fame.
  7. I timed it so that I could wait eight minutes after the last bell rang, then would casually saunter over to the Hall of Fame, pick up my bag, and then coolly say, “Hey,” to Jay Bell.
  8. Sure enough, the next day, eight minutes after the last bell went off, Jay Bell hit his mark, leaning casually against the Hall of Fame.
    Like Jordan Catalano, he was an excellent leaner.
  9. I had strategically placed my bag to the left of where I believed Jay Bell would be leaning, so that I’d be close enough to him that he’d have to acknowledge me.
  10. However, Jay Bell had chosen to lean slightly over to the left today, and, unbeknownst to him, very UNstrategically placing his legs on either side of my bag.
    Slowly, it dawned on me what I would have to do.
  11. I tried creeping around to his side and grabbing my bag from around his right leg-- Jay Bell leaned back and I darted away.
    I tried from around his left leg-- again, foiled.
  12. This entire time, Jay Bell was chatting away to admirers, completely ignorant of this weird leaping girl around him.
    I wasn’t being inconspicuous, but Jay Bell was known for his dashing good looks, not his intelligence or his awareness of surroundings.
  13. Now I was going to be late for practice. It was now or never. I took a deep breath, crouched low, then plunged my hand between Jay Bell’s open legs.
    It closed on polyester-- yes!
  14. "Uh, hi?" The exquisite chiseled features of Jay Bell suddenly were looming over me.
  15. "AHHHHH!" I jumped up in panic.
  16. "HOLY SHIT!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!"
  17. Jay Bell’s hands flew to his crotch and he dropped to the ground, moaning in pain.
    As I had jumped, the hand that had reached in between those perfect, muscley legs had jumped too-- directly up and into contact with Jay Bell’s sensitive manly parts.
  18. I stared in horror as my Crush to End All Crushes rolled around in agony on the ground because I had just inadvertently punched him in the balls...
  19. ...And then I promptly ran as fast as I could away from him and toward the track.
  20. My coach said she had never seen me run faster.