Why I Want Wifi Right Now (A List Created Offline)

Made somewhere in the skies between Beijing and San Francisco
  1. 1.
    If I had wifi right now I would use 99% of my mental and technological capacity to talk to Goob.
    Duh.
  2. 2.
    If I had wifi right now, Spotify wouldn't stop working periodically when songs I have available offline still don't play.
    I mean wtf is that. Six times so far I've realised I've been sitting in silence because Boy & Bear isn't available offline. Nothing is worse than sitting in silence with you own thoughts. Have you been inside my head?
  3. 3.
    If I had wifi right now I would be able to learn more useless information to cram up into my noggin.
    Facts like, "Elephants have 5 toes on their front feet, but only 4 on their back." Did you know that? No? Neither did I, because I just made it up. I have no internet remember.
  4. 4.
    If I had wifi right now, I might talk to non-Goob persons
    "Why the fuck did you pay for Internet," they'll say, "you're flying for 11 hours, we would never pay money to talk to you." To which I would reply "oh sorry, I was just in the neighbourhood of Internet connectivity" or "Thanks asshole, now I really feel like a dick for paying $9.99, but at least I was in the loop for the latest hip and happening terrorist attack." Both responses promoting the kind of deep and philosophical conversations that warranted the invention of wifi in the first place.
  5. 5.
    If I had wifi right now, Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, and other platforms that can mask insecurities and overarching sadness, would find functionality.
    Plus the unending anxiety associated with potentially losing snap streaks could be curbed.
  6. 6.
    If I had wifi right now, Li.st would be less useless, making me feel less idiotic for paying money for something that exclusives works online.
    Just banter, just banter.
  7. 7.
    If I had wifi right now, the medicine for the unwavering feeling of fomo as I spiral through the sky at 700km an hour in a huge winged tube.
    We should really be more impressed by man's ability to fly, but something super cool is definitely happening at sea level right now and I wouldn't know.
  8. 8.
    If I had wifi right now, I'd follow NBA free agency, the most exciting time of the year.
    Durant has presumably announced his decision by now: OKC for one year before heading to Beantown. Though announcing it is a formality really, on the record, he's a huge bitch if he goes to the Warriors.
  9. 9.
    If I had wifi right now it would mean I'm not somewhere over the Pacific Ocean, hence eliminating the possibility of plummeting to my fiery death in a heap of scrap metal, boxed meals and Asians.
    Best way to defy death is to tempt it.
  10. 10.
    If I had wifi right now, I wouldn't be making this ironic list.
    While exit row stressed next to a little girl who definitely will not be able to help in case of emergency and an old man who's snoring is ruining my ability to make a list in peace, because I'd be too consumed in all the wonders and faultless safety the Internet has to offer.
  11. 11.
    If I had wifi right now, I'd be able to google why Chinese airlines don't let you use your phone during the flight.
    Even though iPads, Laptops, Pale yellow skin colour, bad smoker coughs, off putting Chinese television and kids with both their dick and buttholes hanging out, are allowed. I'm totally not against those pants little kids wear by the way, seems like an absolutely blissful existence. Don't hate the player, hate the game.
  12. 12.
    If I had wifi right now, I'd be able to tell someone that this list fulfilled its 'consume some time' job description.
    Hashtag woot.