THE DOWNSIDE TO BEING A VAMPIRE

Some things to think about before joining the dark side.
  1. Finding Jesus
    This can be a serious conflict of interest, which is why we generally avoid killing church people.
  2. Italian Food
    Ever heard of garlic-free pizza? Yeah me either.
  3. Spring Break
    Honestly, a total different experience for a vampire. Beaches are kind of sad at night and all the spring breakers taste like tanning lotion and alcohol.
  4. Drink Choices
    Well... it's pretty much just blood really. You can warm it up in the microwave and drink it from a coffee cup but it's not coffee. Sometimes I'll put a little umbrella in it and pretend it's a Bloody Mary.
  5. Grooming
    Imagine using a mirror to shave for 30 years and all of the sudden the mirror stopped working. SUCKS ASS. If you have a booger hanging you just have to deal with it. You pretty much have to give up on styling your hair.
  6. Sleeping
    What happens when your coffin breaks? You can't exactly go to Rooms to Go, you'd have to go at night when they aren't open anyway. Luckily you can order almost anything from Amazon if you can refrain from killing the delivery man.
  7. Racism
    I know this is a touchy subject but yes, we have some racist vampires. Most of these dudes are over 500 years old. You thought your Grandpa was bad... I believe that we should kill equally but sometimes I hear other vampires say the most inappropriate things.
  8. Pooping
    Imagine what a diet of only blood does to your digestive system. Eternal diarrhea, that's what.
  9. Music Choices
    I swear to Beezlebub if I hear The Smiths one more time...
  10. Mosquitos
    Quite a nuisance. Most people don't know that once these little guys bite a vampire they turn into vampire-mosquitos...and then you've got a serious problem.