BOYFRIENDS, RANKED

  1. 1.
    Monty & Walden: Tie.
    Monty, an off the track thoroughbred (OTTB), and I were together from 2006-2015, when he passed away at 32 (96 in people years). Walden, also an OTTB, and I have been together since July. He is insanely good looking and we've only had two fights! (Here is a photo of us before he tried to kill me). Won't let me sleep in his stall though and has really terrible table manners.
  2. 2.
    Moose
    Moose is a dog, and I say that with great affection. Surprisingly not quite as loyal as Monty or Walden, since it's his job to be loyal, but we've come to an understanding. Also pretty lazy. That said, he has gone to the mat for me a few times. (Tried to kill a bull mastiff).
  3. 3.
    Television
    True crime shows that make you think that all boyfriends and husbands eventually kill their girlfriends/wives anyway. Pro-tip ladies: do not get life insurance. Put your shit in a trust that only ekes out a little bit of cash to your surviving heirs. Make it not worth it.
  4. 4.
    Food
    Carbs