These are all real California humans who have contacted me on Tinder. I present to you this list of people who will not be candidates for father of my firstborn child. Enjoy.
  1. CLEM. . Self-proclaimed "fragrance professional." Also perhaps a "collector of womens' femurs" and an "amateur cannibal."
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    Maybe I wouldn't feel so creeped out if it he weren't trying so hard to look alluring while sniffing the fuck out of that perfume stick. I don't know if anybody has knocked you off your feet by sniffing things real hard, but it's never been in my top ten turn-ons. On the bright side, he is a fragrance PROFESSIONAL. See, mom? I don't only date losers with no careers!
  2. GUY WITH CROWS. I don't know about omens and satan and shit because I'm just a heathen Jew who wasn't baptized. But I'm still pretty sure that fucking this guy would result in a Bad Seed Reboot: Destination, Your Womb.
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    If this is your profile picture, sir, then we will probably have relationship problems beyond the traditional "doesn't clean dishes" or "is a bad communicator." Like probably all the sacrificing of Virgins in your living room is gonna put a damper on movie night. And I won't sleep in your coffin because they don't make tempurpedic for that shit. On the bright side, the crows seem to trust him quite a bit. So maybe we should, too.
  3. ASS MAN. Just a good ol fashioned boy trying to find a good ol fashioned girl by exposing his ass to thousands of strangers.
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    I respect this. I just don't think I could take it home to meet my mother. Dayum, though. Look at that dimple. Can asses have dimples like cheeks or is it just like an ass divet? See, tinder makes me a more inquisitive person about the splendor and wonder of the world all around me.
  4. ROCK LIFTING FELLOW. Cannot remember his name, but who could forget how much he likes lugging around huge rocks? He can't get enough of them. He even makes his friends take pictures while he does it shirtless.
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    Maybe he is building a stone hut for an underprivileged family in Mesoamerica. Maybe he is competing in a competition. Probably he was a virgin until after college.
  5. GONCEPT. If I couldn't stop making IMMACULATE GONCEPTION jokes for our entire 40 year marriage, it would not be my fault. You are probably a great dude, Goncept. Sorry I am such a shallow bitch.
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    Oh Goncept, my Goncept. Where for art thou, Goncept.
  6. DIRT. Did your parents literally name you Dirt? Or did you have a normal name like Billy or Rob and then feel that "DIRT" more clearly captured your essence? Either way this seems like a non-starter.
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    Thanks for being upfront about your name, your backwards hat, and your diamond earring stud the size of my big toe. There is no chance engaging in a text conversation with you will make me regret every life choice I have ever made until this moment. Am I being too hard on Dirt? No. Please note that our first text exchange included an opening salutation that read: "hey babe, you got tig ol biddies?"
  7. FOURTEEN INCH LINDSEY. Linsey's profile reads, "14 inch cock. YES PLEASE." Umm... Exsqueeze me? How about, "wait let's talk about this," or, "are you shitting me?," or, "no thank you," or, "imma need to seek out some serious UTI meds before we even make out prolly."
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    Who is sitting around thinking, "you know what I bet would comfortably fit inside my vagina? A kitchen fire extinguisher with the head of a softball. Sounds like a party." I feel like nobody. I sincerely hope nobody. I get that some people think bigger is better, but there must be a limit to that old adage. Maybe I missed out on a big opportunity here, but I think maybe his Juliet is maybe just one of those comically oversized Christmas stockings.
  8. KALE. I love California now, and I drive when I could walk, and I say annoying things like "this cucumber infused water with kiwi is fucking game changing," but I still don't know if I could date a Kale.
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    It would make me feel like I should be going to the gym every time I looked at him. "Hey, Kale, can you pass me that triple decker In N Out burger cause if I move from the couch I'll miss a moment of Shark Tank," won't fit my lifestyle. Sorry, brother, you burned too bright for this girl.
  9. DAN. This guy is pretty cute. But please inspect the picture up close. Do it. He appears to be roughly the size of an American Girl Doll. That or the chair is bigger than a two car garage.
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    I know this is merely a trick of perspective because probably Dan is not a very well-proportioned midget who I could sneak into my carry on luggage for our half priced honeymoon to Hawaii. Probably he is in a comically oversized chair. Right? But I saw that 30 Rock episode where Tina mistakes Peter Dinklage for a child and feels like an asshat and I feel like an asshat on my own all the time as it is, so best to play it safe and leave Dan to his own devises.
  10. TINDER SHAKESPEARE. A hopeless romantic, there is one in every bunch. This dude really did a number on me. And by that I mean he was the number one reason I deleted my Tinder. Check out the dulcet tones of his textual advances by blowing up the picture.
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    I give him points for the rhyming. And I guess when it comes down to it he wanted to get me off, which is also sort of chivalrous in its own way. Like maybe he was really asking about MY needs. Maybe he wants to know about what I talk about in therapy and ways in which my co-workers annoy me! Maybe he really understands my ups and downs and will bring me chocolate when I am sad. Maybe he likes musical theater! Maybe I should call him... Kay g2g lock this Romeo down wish me luck xoxoHannah