THINGS MAKING THAT SOUND OUTSIDE MY BEDROOM WINDOW

  1. A killer with a bloody machete
  2. Rapists
  3. Pet cemetery ghosts
    I don't let my cats eat my organic salmon fillets, and their ancestors SEEK BRUTAL JUSTICE
  4. Nazis
  5. Regular Ghosts
    I watch Netflix on their ancient burial ground and they are pissed and READY TO HAUNT A BITCH.
  6. A conglomerate of evil dolls
    They work as a team and are therefore more lethal
  7. A rabid raccoon
    He is probably very dexterous, and can pry open screens
  8. Meth heads
  9. Pinhead
  10. Stalkers
  11. Freddy Krueger
  12. Disapproving network executives
    They hated my draft and THEY WANT ME TO PAYYYYYY (with blood)
  13. Organ farmers
    They want my kidney
  14. Oregon Farmers
    They want to make me farm kidney beans
  15. The MARS ATTACKS aliens
    I know this was supposed to be a comedy, but tell that to 10 year old me who couldn't sleep without the lights on for the next 7 years.
  16. Aliens (generally)
    Talk, big eyes, short, many arms, all they have in common is their love of dissecting people slowly
  17. Giant bugs
  18. Sentient bugs
    WE are the top of the food chain now, they say. YOU get trapped on a paper plate that we tricked you into licking sugar water off of. WHY YOU LIKE SUGAR SO MUCH, NOW YOU SQUISHED
  19. Black widow spiders
  20. Brown recluse spiders
  21. My to-do list, come to life and SEEKING RETRIBUTION FOR ALL OF MY FAILURES TO COMPLETE IT
  22. IT from Stephen king's IT
  23. Me from the future trying to warn myself about one of the above dangers
    But I don't let myself in because I don't realize it's me and then the things get me anyway
  24. The mean garbage crusher from THE BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER
  25. The end.