Waking Up Early to Work Out Is the Absolute Worst. Here Are Some Theories on Why Someone Might Do It

  1. Because they are a masochist. The blinding 6 AM light that makes their eyes water and the dread that fills them as they lace up their running shoes - those things are just arousing to them. They get super horny at the mere thought of the torture of a morning workout.
  2. Because they are a sadist. They enjoy seeing their friends go through the pain mentioned above. They guilt their friends into joining them for a morning workout with pleas for solidarity. Then, they take delight in the pained expression on their friend's face.
  3. Because they are really concerned with "getting their money's worth" on that Black Friday treadmill purchase. Even with the amazing deals, that fucker was expensive. That purchase needs to be justified by at least a dozen uses before it becomes a coat rack.
  4. Because they hate sleep. They are like, "Sleep in? FUCK THAT! Sleep is the worst. Relaxation? No way dumbass! Rejuvenation? That's fucking shit! Instead I'd rather run until my lungs AND my legs hurt."
  5. Because they suffer from terrible "morning terrors" which are basically night terrors but they only occur in the early morning. They wake themselves up early to avoid the terrors but they are so sleep deprived that they have to do something to keep from falling asleep once more. So it's off to the treadmill, hoping to outrun their demons.
  6. Because their bed-mate is a sleep-kicker and they would rather endure the horror of the early morning workout than accumulate any more leg bruises.
  7. Because they made a dumbass New Years resolution to start working out in the morning and they regret it every single morning - AKA ME