The time I woke up with an implant in my butt

3 days before Christmas
  1. For a little over a year I had a neurostimulator in my lower back
    I have an overactive bladder & after trying & failing a crazy long list of meds & treatments, I got an Interstim implant. It's like a pacemaker, but for the bladder.
  2. It stopped working, so my doctor suggested another surgery
    He wanted to take it out, rewire it, and move it to another place
  3. So I said OK GREAT, DO IT
    I assumed he would be putting the implant a couple inches over, closer to my mid lower back. I'd had other surgeries like this, so I didn't even think to ask or confirm anything.
  4. I was wrong
    So wrong.
  5. Surgery came & went
    My doctor talked to me in recovery, but all I heard was "Percocet"
  6. I got home & stumbled to the bathroom
    Things were still a bit fuzzy.
  7. I pulled down my pants and HOLY HELL
  8. My right butt cheek had a big wound across it
    I screamed and screamed
  9. IVE BEEN DRUGGED & KIDNAPPED
    I'm in some Eastern European underground hellscape & they built a set identical to my bathroom and hired people that looked just like my family & doctors just to fuck with me. There are at least 5 hairy, cigar smoking men huddled in a dark room over a heap over cocaine laughing & watching me on a hidden camera. (All of this insanity ran through my mind in about 5 seconds)
  10. Maybe it's just a nightmare??
    WAKE UP WAKE UP
  11. My mom came to see what was wrong
    By this time I was crying/hysterical and very confused
  12. "I told you he put it in your ass!"
    This was all she had to say about it. But upon further inspection, she was shocked at what a gruesome scene it was. I stumbled back to bed, still a bit out of it from the drugs and cried myself to sleep.
  13. I don't remember anyone telling me this
    The doctor couldn't make another pocket for it in my lower back, so it had to go in my butt. Apparently this is common.
  14. I woke up later, slightly less foggy, but still foggy
    Looked at my butt again. STILL THERE.
  15. The one thing I remember thinking was "I'll never be famous now" and crying even more
    all I could picture was Kim K's butt and how now that would never be me. Because these scars were the ONLY THINGS holding me back from stardom.
  16. 😭😭😭😭
    I mourned my blemish free butt for a days/months. I am ok with it now. Mostly.
  17. This all may sound silly
    But waking up with an implant in your butt when you had NO IDEA it would be there is a shocking experience.
  18. Eventually it's funny
    And you can laugh about the time your heart almost gave out because you honestly thought some foreign mafia implanted something in your ass.
  19. EPILOGUE
    I had it removed earlier this summer. The whole ordeal was a nightmare & caused other health issues to flare up. No more implants in this butt.