OFFICIAL LIST OF BETTER PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES THAN DONALD TRUMP:

  1. Malia Obama
  2. Stevie Nicks
  3. My 8 year old cousin Everett
  4. My psychic
  5. My childhood nanny Olga who may or may not have been KGB affiliated
  6. Karl Lagerfeld
  7. Hannibal Lecter
  8. Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow
  9. My mom's pot dealer
  10. A tectonic plate
  11. An IKEA plate
  12. A grape scented marker
  13. Mr. Clean
  14. The guy who pierced my belly button when I was 16
  15. Leslie Knope
  16. Bernie Sanders
  17. Bill Nye the Science Guy
  18. Arnold Schwarzenegger's illegitimate love child
  19. Neil Patrick Harris
  20. The Mormon girl who tried to get me expelled in high school (fuck you Allison)
  21. The homeless guy I met last week who said I have a good aura
  22. Any of the Jolie-Pitt children
  23. A Kraft single
  24. Alf
  25. The Queen of England
  26. A half eaten subway footlong
  27. Any current or former Waffle House employee
  28. A family of chinchillas
  29. Jamie Foxx