I've tweeted roughly 7000 times, so this list is only a small sampling. I'll add more as they fail to make anyone laugh.
  1. Oh the mermanity
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    The cruelty of canines
  2. Dat melon d'eau
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    Relies on a dual-language homonym requiring a passing knowledge of French pronunciation and shit Millenuals say.
  3. In the town where I was shorn / lived a man, who failed to see / And he told me of his wife / In the land of nectarines
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    A series of three nonsensical riffs on "Yellow Submarine."
  4. "Hashtag Family"
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    I was dealing with a rodent issue. The hair did not help.
  5. At least call it "toast" or "sand."
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    I have an unpublished essay written as an open letter to an old friend and featuring the line, "Your house appears to have a lot of beige in it."
  6. Wanted: Cat
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    Ok, so three people liked this one. Also related to the aforementioned rodent issue.
  7. Foxtrot
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    Don't give a foxtrot.