I'M TOO OLD FOR

I'm 30. It's time to face facts.
  1. Brunch
    To have your first meal of the day be at 11:30 or noon or later is ludicrous as is, but the whole production - putting your name on a list, waiting for a table, drinking Bloody Mary's on an empty stomach, getting home from my first plan of the day at 2:30pm with heartburn? Nah, not for me. Breakfast food later in the day? Yes. Brunch? No.
  2. People Not Dressed Appropriately
    I'm not calling for tuxedos after 6pm, but if you're at a wedding wear a suit. If you're going to a Broadway show don't wear cargo shorts. Life's too short to look so shitty.
  3. I.P.A's
    I spent my 20's trying to fit in and drink heavy dark beers that taste like metal. One beer takes fifteen minutes to drink and I feel terrible after. Also it pairs with literally zero foods. I am finally at an age where I fee comfortable living out in the open: I prefer light beers. Easy drinking, refreshing beers. The one beer aficionado's turn their noses up at. One with a burger or ten of 'em out at night. If I want to struggle to get a drink down in thirty minutes I'll drink warm gin.
  4. Waiting In Line For A Drink
    Waiting in a line outside of a bar is a dealbreaker obviously, but if you're inside and its a line just to get up to the bar to try and flag down the bartender? Nah! It's not that much of an honor to pay you for liquor.
  5. "Laying By The Pool"
    I can't vacation this way. It's boring. I know we're supposed to lie here and get tan but I'm thirsty, this book I'm reading kinda sucks and my iPhone is overheating. Also there's a nice diving board over there, bikes to ride, a half court basketball court and at bare minimum three different hikes. Fuck I'll even go to a museum. Very least can we take a fifteen minute walk to kill time before lunch?