REASONS (MY) MENTAL DISORDERS ARE ACTUALLY WONDERFUL
- •DepressionSince I am likely to spend 97% of my life in my bed (atop organic hypoallergenic mattress since I am allergic to everything), I am less likely to move from my bedroom to buy a private jet and destroy the environment I can't breathe in anyway.
- •Body dysmorphiaBecause I frequently see myself as morbidly obese I am more likely to leave the house in a tarp than a bandage dress - and this is actually very liberating because constricting clothing can exacerbate my claustrophobia and cause panic attacks.
- •Panic AttacksOne time I walked off a plane as it was about to take off and the next day I lost 2 pounds because hyperventilating is the kind of natural cardio they don't teach you about because you can't make $$$ off of it (Tracy Anderson will probably steal this)
- •Chronic FatigueMore time asleep. Less time interacting with others and possibly picking up an infection.
- •GermaphobiaLess likely to contract an STD or get knocked up because I won't touch anyone ever. Also when you constantly think you have Lyme disease you are less likely to gossip or be a bad friend because you are too busy checking your swollen glands and obsessing about yourself to talk shit.
- •Low self esteemThere are enough people who love themselves for no reason. I won't contribute to it and this makes me a conscientious human being. Plus when a guy winks at me, I fall in love immediately.