REASONS (MY) MENTAL DISORDERS ARE ACTUALLY WONDERFUL

  1. Depression
    Since I am likely to spend 97% of my life in my bed (atop organic hypoallergenic mattress since I am allergic to everything), I am less likely to move from my bedroom to buy a private jet and destroy the environment I can't breathe in anyway.
  2. Body dysmorphia
    Because I frequently see myself as morbidly obese I am more likely to leave the house in a tarp than a bandage dress - and this is actually very liberating because constricting clothing can exacerbate my claustrophobia and cause panic attacks.
  3. Panic Attacks
    One time I walked off a plane as it was about to take off and the next day I lost 2 pounds because hyperventilating is the kind of natural cardio they don't teach you about because you can't make $$$ off of it (Tracy Anderson will probably steal this)
  4. Chronic Fatigue
    More time asleep. Less time interacting with others and possibly picking up an infection.
  5. Germaphobia
    Less likely to contract an STD or get knocked up because I won't touch anyone ever. Also when you constantly think you have Lyme disease you are less likely to gossip or be a bad friend because you are too busy checking your swollen glands and obsessing about yourself to talk shit.
  6. Low self esteem
    There are enough people who love themselves for no reason. I won't contribute to it and this makes me a conscientious human being. Plus when a guy winks at me, I fall in love immediately.