Thanks for paying attention @nathanveshecco I didn't know I wanted to list about this until right now.
  1. To start let's just say that it isn't easy
  2. when you are single
  3. and many of your friends are married
  4. You become the Single Lady with good stories for them.
  5. Vicariously living the single life is fun for them because they get to snuggle up with a man at the end of the night,
  6. but actually being single is different.
  7. Did you know that it is more likely I will be killed by a terrorist than getting married? No just kidding.
  8. I have a fear of commitment sure, I mean I don't even really think I want to get married.
  9. When I watch some horrible show where a Bride declares "It is my day." I say "If you don't get married every day is your day".
  10. Then again that doesn't mean I want to spend every night alone.
  11. So this guy picked me up in Starbucks. Not the one I dance at the one where I act respectable while drinking coffee.
  12. Except when a man is showing interest in me I feel bad if I don't make any attempt.
  13. Like I am too picky and need to not be so judgmental.
  14. So this is where I will allow him to take me on a date. To prove I am not picky.
  15. So we met and we went to an Indian restaurant and conversation was some what strained.
  16. I was nervous when I realized my only conversation is my schtick as the single bitter lady and this is not to be hauled out on dates.
  17. But it's hard not to be yourself.
  18. Then I think of the ones I liked because I COULD be myself with and
  19. then I realize I am actually eating Indian food with a man in a restaurant and pining for multiple other men.
  20. It's hard to enjoy. Thinking about the ones that got away.
    Is it a commitment phobe that can't even decide which one is the one who got away?
  21. When I met TW I don't know I was just so drawn to him that no question was strange and sitting next to him that night with my head on his shoulder as he rubbed my head was so normal. As normal as falling in love could be. Except I guess it was only limerence. I cried when I texted my friend all the ways I liked him and she responded with
    Desperation makes you do crazy things.
  22. When I met TL and we swam in that Cape Cod pond and talked about nothing in particular and when he held my hand it was the most natural feeling in the world to just be holding his hand.
    We never had a chance though. Timing and distance, that is what I tell myself late at night.
  23. When I saw FB for the first time and I knew I didn't know him but that I would know him. It was a sureness so deep. So easy that all I had to do was say hello to him the next day between classes even though my friend was in shock because I had said hello to a boy. Jessica shy Jessica. Said hello. But how else would it have happened?
    It's not scary, when you know. Ok he was really the one the one.
  24. Then how are you supposed to fall in love with someone if it doesn't have that magical meant to be feeling?
    You don't want to be in love, you want to be in love in a movie.
  25. Meanwhile, back on the date he asked the question "Why haven't you ever been married?" Why do people ask that question? Why would a man on a date with me ask me this question.
  26. Why I'm not married doesn't seem like a very good date question but that's what it is - a date question.
  27. Not a falling in love question.
  28. Sometimes when my friends and I are talking about my dates I see something there, something they don't ask themselves and
  29. I want to ask it.
  30. What would you be doing if you never met him?
  31. If you had never met your husband would you just have a different husband?
  32. Or would you be like me, single?
  33. I never have enough guts to ask my friends that question. So I don't know how people can ask why I never got married if I can't ask why people did?
  34. There you go Mr. Veshecco that's what my date was like. It was like Indian food and fodder for my friends to rest easy at night.
    Since I have made my name as the over 40 single lady of ListApp I might as well go all the way.