Thanks @egiuffri You said (BASED OFF THE BAD COMEDIAN JERRY SHARES A CAB WITH) So I am assuming you mean the comedian in the Seinfeld episode "The Movie". I am so glad you wanted me to have this material. I can't do voices so this is as far as it goes. This won't be in any of my stand up. And remember there are no bad comedians, just bad jokes.
  1. "Can you get these horses moving? I have to take over the Jin Dynasty by noon and then my mani/pedi."
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    Genghis Kahn
  2. "All these people don't know how to drive, only the most qualified should be allowed to drive."
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    Napoleon Bonaparte, that's just silly there were no cars in Napoleon's day. You would think that an attempt to prove I know the history of the Napoleonic Code I would double check about dates.
  3. "Wow, L'Enfant really fucked us with this street design. If only cars were invented before democracy"
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    William McKinley while being driven around Washington, D.C. looking for Eighteenth Street Lounge.
  4. "Do you know how unsafe this is? Even though we are only going five miles per hour we are doomed! Doomed!"
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    Ralph Nader in my lucid dreaming attempts. I kidnap him and throw him into my 1962 Corvair and drive him around. All while I wear a crash helmet and laugh maniacally.
  5. “If you don’t move forward, sooner or later you begin to move backward.”
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    Mikhail Gorbachev, this is attributed to a speech Gorbachev gave at Harvard. More than likely inspired by the MassPike.
  6. "Pupils dilated, I ain't smoking on that basic"
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    Joseph Stalin, I may be confused now, I didn't know he was a rap artist, but he is on Droop-E's Stuck in Traffic. Pitchfork you confuse me.
  7. -special note this list was requested at the same time as fictional movies list was requested. A strange Seinfeld plot coincidence indeed.