Stories I'm Saving for the Talk Show
These stories cannot be told in list form all sorts of voice inflections, hand gestures, and crazy looks have been built into the stories over the years. I will settle for an animated version like Louis CK on comedians in cars getting coffee or whatever that show is.
- •The greatest accident I ever sawTerms I use are "dukes of hazard like" She jumped her car over three parked cars.
- •The time I decided to run to my friends party at an oyster farmIt involves being up to my neck in whatever they grow oysters in. The untrue punchline I feel really makes this story hysterical is "and then a few days later a pearl popped out of my vagina" I was telling the story for years before that punch line occurred to me.
- •The time I kicked a dude through a windowHe was a dude and it ends by me saying it was totally his fault.
- •How I became friends with someone through an episode of cheersThis might only apply if other person on talk show starred in cheers. It involves the line you are the scariest bitch I'd ever meet.
- •The day I realized people ask stupid questionsPuking outside doctors office. Lady walks by and says "don't feel so good huh?" My first inclination is to say "no kidding dumb ass" I was maybe 10.
- •The time Taco Bell was out of Mexican pizzas.A genuine piece of lore. Friends will probably share with their children.
- •Something good better happen to me before I go on this talk show cause I got nothing. Not even enough for a Jeopardy! interview.