What the fuck, Mom?
  1. Age 5: Nightmare on Elm Street
    What the fuck? I thought Freddy was hilarious. I mean, I still do, but were you trying to raise a sociopath? Best parental disclaimer: "Freddy's just a guy named Robert Englund and that's all makeup. It's all fun!"
  2. Age 5: Die Hard
    Hey, no boobs in this one! Just horrific violence and out-of-control cursing! Best parental quote: "John McClane can use that language, but you can't...yet." Also, at age 3, I called my brother a fuckhead and tried to strangle him, so now she was clearly just seeing how much of a psychopath she could create.
  3. Age 7: Halloween
    It's a holiday classic and totally appropriate if it's the TV version! Less appropriate if you run out and buy the VHS version right after! Best parental quote: "People always said I look like Jamie Lee Curtis." Because there weren't enough horrific layers to this viewing experience.
  4. Age 8-ish: Rocky Horror Picture Show
    Possibly the movie that most disturbed me at the time. Why were they stripping those people into bras and underwear? Why were people re-enacting everything in front of the movie? What was happening ever? I walked away halfway through and had confused dreams/nightmares for years.
  5. Age 14: Basic Instinct
    My mom had seen this movie before. I hadn't. What the fuck times infinity squared. No fucking idea what I was in for. Best parental quote (halfway through the movie): "Oh, wait, I got this confused with Fatal Attraction." Because that would have been much more appropriate.