WTF KIDS SONGS

I've listened to the Raffi Pandora station for about a fucking year straight. Here are some conclusions. This isn't some hot take shit. This is literally taking the songs at their word.
  1. This Old Man
    An unidentified old man (the narrator doesn't even know who it is) keeps playing knick-knack on his knee and other various body parts
  2. Down by the Bay
    This is the disturbing tale of a child who's terrified of coming home to their psychotic and/or tripping mother. As the child of a mother who's had at least two psychotic breaks, this is strangely accurate. Just look at the lyrics. How could this be interpreted any other way?
  3. B-I-N-G-O
    The dog is dead. You realize that, right? And not like, this song was written a long time ago, so the subject of it must be dead by now. The song is in the past tense, and the dog has always been dead.
  4. Five Little Ducks
    This is the story of five little ducks who go out one day over the hills and far away. Mother Duck says quack quack quack quack, but only four little ducks come back. It goes on like this until sad mother duck, all alone, says quack quack quack quack and all of the five little ducks came back. But, like, if the song is a metaphor for children growing up and leaving the nest, so to speak, then it's a celebration of parental guilt. As the child of a parental guilter, fuck that shit.
  5. Itsy Bitsy Spider
    Yeah, the hand motions are fun. But don't encourage children to hang out with spiders. Please.
  6. You Are My Sunshine
    Another hand motion extravaganza, this time about a clinically depressed person being left by a significant other. How is this a children's song again?
  7. 99 Bottles of Beer
    This is a song about alcoholism.
  8. Alouette
    This is a song about taunting a bird by threatening to rip the feathers off of every part of its body, including its head and eyes and beak. This isn't a song so much as it's a training camp for budding serial killers. The fact that it's in French is the only possible reason this song is still allowed near children.