IF YOUR CAR BREAKS DOWN ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, YOU SHOULD...

It'll happen to all of us, so jot these down.
  1. Pop the hood and stare at the engine.
    Cars don't need oil changes, gasoline, and good tires as much as they just need someone to stare at their engines.
  2. Assume that every car that passes is driven by a serial killer.
    Irrational anxiety is the key to resolving all problems.
  3. Call someone who knows nothing about cars and/or lives too far away to help.
    Call your elderly mother or your best friend who's still at work. They'll say comforting things that won't help your situation at all.
  4. Have mental arguments with all the "I told you so" people.
    Your dad told you to get new tires. Your aunt told you to trade in your car two years ago. Your neighbor said you should've opted for the more boring, dependable car instead of that fully loaded death trap. All of them have an "I told you so" ready, so you need to get your excuses lined up.
  5. Stiff the guy who finally helps you out.
    Why should you slip the guy a $20 bill? All he did was take time out of his schedule, risk life and limb fixing a car on the dark shoulder of the road, and save you from the serial killer who just drove by. Just mumble "Thanks" as you peel out.