TRYING TO TAKE A SNAPBATICAL

seeming almost impossible
  1. listen. i've been using snapchat since beginning days before stories or the kind of annoying selfy effects
  2. and living across the world from my friends, it's been a great way to keep in touch
  3. but lately i've been feeling like it's taking up too much of my mental energy
  4. like i've been going on lots of pretty cool adventures but i started to feel like they were without meaning or didnt happen if i wasnt documenting the cool shit i was seeing
  5. it reminds me of the line of a frank o'hara poem "i cant even appreciate a blade of grass without knowing there's a subway nearby or some other sign that people do not totally regret life"
  6. or in this situation, "i cant appreciate the adventure i'm having if i'm not able to instantly share it with every one"
  7. am i trying to strike envy in the hearts of my friends? prove that dropping out of college was the best decision for me? do i honestly just want them to experience these things along side of me?
  8. i want to live a life that is a good story! i want to be able to share these stories with my friends and family for years.
  9. and it kind of takes out the intrigue when they've already seen parts of it. makes it kind of old news. irrelevant. no lasting impact. a leaf in the wind.
  10. but like every night i delete snapchat and invariably the next day i download it again bc i just can't stand it
  11. what's my deal!! get over it, james. you don't need it.
  12. i think there's a kind of bravery from omitting yrself from social media.
  13. we want to know our lives matter. that people will remember us. think we're cool or whatever
  14. and social media provides instant proof of that. we don't have to wonder. we can see who saw and liked our stuff.
  15. without it i am looking death in the eyes??
  16. maybe a little
  17. idk. i just want to feel like my life experiences matter even if i'm the only one to ever know about it.
  18. ya know?