TRYING TO TAKE A SNAPBATICAL
seeming almost impossible
- •listen. i've been using snapchat since beginning days before stories or the kind of annoying selfy effects
- •and living across the world from my friends, it's been a great way to keep in touch
- •but lately i've been feeling like it's taking up too much of my mental energy
- •like i've been going on lots of pretty cool adventures but i started to feel like they were without meaning or didnt happen if i wasnt documenting the cool shit i was seeing
- •it reminds me of the line of a frank o'hara poem "i cant even appreciate a blade of grass without knowing there's a subway nearby or some other sign that people do not totally regret life"
- •or in this situation, "i cant appreciate the adventure i'm having if i'm not able to instantly share it with every one"
- •am i trying to strike envy in the hearts of my friends? prove that dropping out of college was the best decision for me? do i honestly just want them to experience these things along side of me?
- •i want to live a life that is a good story! i want to be able to share these stories with my friends and family for years.
- •and it kind of takes out the intrigue when they've already seen parts of it. makes it kind of old news. irrelevant. no lasting impact. a leaf in the wind.
- •but like every night i delete snapchat and invariably the next day i download it again bc i just can't stand it
- •what's my deal!! get over it, james. you don't need it.
- •i think there's a kind of bravery from omitting yrself from social media.
- •we want to know our lives matter. that people will remember us. think we're cool or whatever
- •and social media provides instant proof of that. we don't have to wonder. we can see who saw and liked our stuff.
- •without it i am looking death in the eyes??
- •maybe a little
- •idk. i just want to feel like my life experiences matter even if i'm the only one to ever know about it.
- •ya know?