HOW TO GET ON MY BAD SIDE IN 5 EASY STEPS

I'm endearingly high-maintenance.
  1. Be a loud whisperer.
    You're only making things worse. You may feel like you're being quiet but you're not. Please text me or wait until it's appropriate or if it's an emergency call 911 and whisper your heart out to the operator.
  2. Tap me to get my attention.
    I have eyes and ears. No need to engage a third sense to announce your presence.
  3. Make me carpool long distances with other humans.
    9 times out of 10, I will find some kind of excuse to take my own car. I have a deep fear of being stuck somewhere against my will.
  4. Guilt trip me into hanging out.
    "You NEVER hang out with me!" "Ugh you hate me." And that's why. Because you say things like that to me.
  5. Linger.
    I can't properly define this social atrocity. Lingering can't be described, but it is always felt.