STATUS UPDATES I WISH BJ NOVAK COULD SEE BUT HE'S NOT ON FACEBOOK

  1. Tyga gave his girlfriend Kylie Jenner a $320,000 Lamborghini? How the FUCK does a rapper with one hit and no platinum records have enough money to buy Kylie Jenner
  2. omg I just found out what fantasy football REALLY is! All these guys that I thought were into gay porn are just DORKS
  3. Ferguson. Baltimore. The message is clear. We need more black people in Spike Jonez films #SANDERS2016
  4. Welp, I wore my tan short-shorts and pink Hypercolor shirt to work today and my boss pulled me aside for a conversation about how to dress for the office because he wants to look FABULOUS, TOO
  5. It's so crazy to think how there's an interesting life story behind every single person you meet and want to sleep with
  6. By my "number" do you mean my number of sex partners or my attractiveness rating? I'd say 10 but some might say it wasn't consensual
  7. Let's ask the Native Americans how THEY feel about illegal immigration! *drives to money-printing casino with parking lot full of Porsches to ask*
  8. Why the fuck do streets in Los Angeles randomly turn into other streets when you're driving on them for no reason? There is NO REASON for Vine to become Rossmore and Virgil to become Hillhurst and Fountain to become Hyperion and Rowena to become Glendale what NOT ONE of those names is Jewish to begin with