Headlines You Will Never Read

But it would be nice to be reminded of these things....
  1. 99.998% of the People on Earth Won't Die Today
  2. Millions Seen Drinking Coffee Without Caring About the Benefits or Dangers of Drinking Coffee
  3. You're Doing Just Fine
  4. Hundreds of People Fell in Love While You Were Reading this Sentence
  5. The Truth About Truth: (Choose Your Own Here)
  6. Justin Bieber Had a Pretty Chill Day Today
  7. Everybody Landed Safely
  8. You Don't Really Have to Watch ANY TV Show