Great Ways to Avoid Dealing With Life

  1. Feel a phantom pain. WebMD yourself. Feel THE WRATH of the world's most dangerous website wash over you.
  2. Order the same shitty healthy lunch from the same shitty sushi place. Eat shitty low cal lunch followed by a Think Thin bar.
  3. Watch old Oscar acceptance speeches, feel simultaneously proud / mortified at how well you know them.
  4. Hold off everything you need to talk about until therapy and then talk about that weird dude who pissed you off at Starbucks for the entire session.
  5. Call your mom. Hang up when you get her voicemail. Don't answer when she calls you back.
  6. Text your friends a selfie you've been safekeeping for two+ months.
  7. Watch old Louis CK standup. Don't question anything while you quietly cry.
  8. Eat beef jerky and feel ashamed because you ate beef jerky.
  9. Refresh Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Listapp over and over and over until it starts to feel very Catholic and dark and then refresh again.
  10. Watch a TV show you've watched a million times while being mad you're failing to watch TV you've never seen before.
  11. Make brunch plans you definitely plan to cancel.
  12. Check the weather forecast ten times. More rain? Oh word? Cool.
  13. Write mean tweets at homophobes, racists, idiots, and bigots. Delete them before sending.
  14. Force yourself to take a yoga class to clear your mind and think about other shit the whole time.
  15. Drink a lot of seltzer. One after the other. Pee a lot. Feel good for hydrating.
  16. Online shop. Have buyer's remorse. Arrange for return of item(s) before they've even arrived.
  17. Go through old journals, text messages, and emails. Spiral out like you've never spiraled before.
  18. Just, like, not talk to people for days.