The Time I Met Beyonce

Or, The Beyonceversary
  1. My friend Lindsay was visiting from my hometown, St. Louis. Which is to say, she wanted to go clubbing.
  2. But I said no no, we are going to a tiny little pizza joint in Brooklyn bc an inside source told me Bey and Jay like to go there.
    By inside source I mean the website bossip.com
  3. I dragged Lindsay to the pizza joint where there was a two hour wait.
  4. We waited.
  5. We sat down and ordered a large pizza. A pepperoni.
  6. We ate the large pizza and it was heaven.
  7. Lindsay was now ready to roll. She promptly asked for the check and went to the bathroom.
  8. While she was in the bathroom, I returned the check and ordered another pizza. Why? Because no Bey and Jay yet, duh!
  9. Lindsay came back.
  10. We ate pizza #2 in silence. (She was mad.)
  11. As we were finally getting ready to leave, hours after we sat down, we saw the manager discreetly dim the lights and set the table in the corner.
  12. We both paused. We knew what was about to happen.
  13. And just like that, Bey and Jay walked in.
  14. And sat down at the corner table.
  15. Which was like 3 feet away from me.
  16. I tried to play it cool. I did. But obviously I couldn't. The Single Ladies video had just dropped and my fandom was maybe at its height.
    Like, seriously. After I quit my job at the New Yorker, instead of looking for a new job, I spent hours in my pjs at home trying to teach myself the choreography.
  17. What was I supposed to do? Cry? Scream? Sing Halo? I started to feel really overwhelmed.
  18. So I went to the bathroom and threw up.
  19. And then I sat down and ordered a calzone.
  20. Because obviously I had to sit next to Beyoncé for as long as possible.
  21. We ate the calzone in silence. Not looking at them. Not looking up. Just stunned silence. At one point, I think Lindsay started to cry. She's not even a Beyoncé fan, but she couldn't believe that a human being could look like that in real life.
  22. We finished the calzone.
  23. And then I ran to the bathroom and threw up again.
  24. Not because I was overwhelmed. But because I had eaten enough for a family of ten, plus a starving village of tweens. Also, did I mention we polished off 3 bottles of wine?
  25. I would never ever be that guy, but for a split second I did think about saying hello. But I didn't. They just looked so happy. And I didn't want to risk throwing up on Jay Z.
  26. So we paid our bill and left.
  27. Outside the restaurant, as I was stumbling to catch a cab, I drunkenly pranced up to their body guard, Julius, of the elevatorgate fame, while he was chillin alone by the Escalade, and whispered, "You have the best job in the world!"
  28. He told me to go home.
  29. I celebrate that day every year by going back to the pizza joint and facetiming with Lindsay.