How to Be a Straight Dude, According to Tinder
- •Mention that you're a nice guy and are only looking for smart womenThere are lots of mean-spirited men out there looking to put women down. You have to make sure they know you're not one of them!
- •Be open about your favorite beveragesWhiskey, beer and coffee are foolproof liquids to express your enjoyment of, but you can also go for classics such as "tea I made and forgot about but still drank" and "flat pepsi"
- •Map out all the places you've lived"LA>Chicago>NYC" is cool, but you can get more specific and say "apartment with a guy who wears his own baby teeth>apartment with a guy who eats full sticks of butter>a studio"
- •Golf (with friends)If you're going to have a photo with other people in it, pick the one where you're all from the same cultural and socio-political background while rocking similar shirt/visor combos. It shows that you stick with your own kind and never question the world you were raised in, which is what true friendship's about!
- •Softly embrace a drugged exotic animalIt shows you like animals, which proves you're really sensitive! If you can't swing that, a napping dachshund might work too.
- •Gut a fish until the blood has trickled down your arms and even seeped a little into the sleeves of your poloIt shows you're a provider, and can fetch your lady a nice guppy whenever you hop on a yacht and she happens to be craving fish.
- •Do NOT smileWhat are you doing???????