How to Be a Straight Dude, According to Tinder

  1. Mention that you're a nice guy and are only looking for smart women
    There are lots of mean-spirited men out there looking to put women down. You have to make sure they know you're not one of them!
  2. Be open about your favorite beverages
    Whiskey, beer and coffee are foolproof liquids to express your enjoyment of, but you can also go for classics such as "tea I made and forgot about but still drank" and "flat pepsi"
  3. Map out all the places you've lived
    "LA>Chicago>NYC" is cool, but you can get more specific and say "apartment with a guy who wears his own baby teeth>apartment with a guy who eats full sticks of butter>a studio"
  4. Golf (with friends)
    If you're going to have a photo with other people in it, pick the one where you're all from the same cultural and socio-political background while rocking similar shirt/visor combos. It shows that you stick with your own kind and never question the world you were raised in, which is what true friendship's about!
  5. Softly embrace a drugged exotic animal
    It shows you like animals, which proves you're really sensitive! If you can't swing that, a napping dachshund might work too.
  6. Gut a fish until the blood has trickled down your arms and even seeped a little into the sleeves of your polo
    It shows you're a provider, and can fetch your lady a nice guppy whenever you hop on a yacht and she happens to be craving fish.
  7. Do NOT smile
    What are you doing???????