Ways I've Contemplated Ending a Date Early

  1. Reciting the last 12 searches I did on WebMD
  2. Staring at his knees and then saying "those are the best leg hinges I've ever seen"
  3. Pulling out a seasoned ham from my bag and ripping off chunks as he talks about his ex-girlfriend
  4. Saying "sowwy, I'm on my pewiod" in a baby voice when we get to his place
  5. Telling him I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love
  6. Poop selfie