Ways I've Contemplated Ending a Date Early
- •Reciting the last 12 searches I did on WebMD
- •Staring at his knees and then saying "those are the best leg hinges I've ever seen"
- •Pulling out a seasoned ham from my bag and ripping off chunks as he talks about his ex-girlfriend
- •Saying "sowwy, I'm on my pewiod" in a baby voice when we get to his place
- •Telling him I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love
- •Poop selfie