ADVANTAGES TO USING PLACENTA AS A COSMETIC

I started playing with placenta just to gross some people out/for journalism so I could write "placenta" off of my taxes but now I actually love it.
  1. Your hair is mad soft
    Placenta is a really good deep conditioner. I buy the hair masks that mix it with olive oil (these are $1.50 in the beauty shop), slap it on my head with a plastic shower cap, let that shit marinate for 45 min, then rinse. Placenta makes it soft, olive oil makes it smell good.
  2. Your skin feels like a baby's
    I've only done a placenta face mask once -- pro-tip: do **not** try to eat potato chips while doing a placenta face mask, trust me on this one -- but my skin felt like the fresh new skin that happens when yr nail falls off, only I had all my nails. There is a spa in New York that does a placenta facial and I am just waiting for someone to pay me to go.
  3. It's metal as shit
  4. You become an authority on a weird, esoteric thing!
    My first week at the New York Times, a factchecker came up to me and said that they were checking a piece that involved placenta and they googled it for research and one of my articles was on the first page and could I answer some questions.
  5. You can gross people out EASY CHEESY
    I keep a spray bottle of placenta deep conditioner next to my bed for when my boyfriend gets obnoxious. that shit works.
  6. Warning tho: DO NOT USE HUMAN PLACENTA ON YR BODY IF IT DOES NOT COME FROM A TRUSTED SOURCE. ANIMAL PLACENTA *ONLY.* YOU MIGHT GET AIDS