1. Answer all the dumb emails that you are too lazy to answer from your laptop/desktop
    "Sent from my toilet"
  2. Apply a quick-dry base coat of nail polish
  3. Finish reading that issue of the New Yorker that's been crumpled up your bag for months
    Best for a work poop -- shit on your employer's dime! (Not literally tho)
  4. Pay your internet bill
  5. Consider life with a thigh gap
    Does pizza not exist? Am I allergic to cheese? Is exercise fun? Are quesadillas less delicious? All scary thoughts.
  6. Smoke weed
    You're already burning a candle
  7. Read the back of a shampoo bottle
    Sodium lauryl sulfates!!!!!
  8. Text your mom
  9. Enjoy some peace and quiet
    Not applicable if you pooping and: have lots of needy children, are at a rave, I am drunk and ALSO need to poop