HOW TO WRITE FOR THE INTERNET

I used to write SEO copy.
  1. Pretend your orthodontic client is your favorite high school English teacher.
  2. Pretend that instead of making a benjamin, you're wanting a 100 percent.
    No, not a 100, that will mean you've arrived, and then what? A nice 98, a bulbus number that would carry you through the desert.
  3. Sneak the SEO keywords into your piece undetected, let them come naturally.
    They are clunky and born to stick out, but you place them in subtly like a ninja word wizard.
  4. Stick within about 10 words of the target word count.
    That will make it harder. It will make it more fun. Like a poem where you're filling in blanks.
  5. Pretend you give a shit about any of it, give lots of shits while you're writing.
  6. Send in your invoice and cease to give a shit.
    Because your editor might change your favorite part or your orthodontic client may say he never approved the topic or your supervisor could tell you they've hired a cheaper writer.
  7. Repeat.