Reasons Jim Webb Should Be President

Now that the most entertaining candidate at the Democratic Debate, Jim Webb, has dropped out of the race, I am at a loss for words. America has truly made a grave error. And here's why.
  1. He was in Vietnam
    I don't know if you heard, but he's a veteran. Who else can say that?
  2. He had a black friend
    Did you not hear about how in the 70's he defended a black guy who was accused of crimes in Vietnam and he exonerated him after six years, even though the guy killed himself in year three? He's racially sensitive!
  3. He thinks Affirmative Action is racist
    But he's not TOO racially sensitive. He thinks it should only be for African Americans and even then it's not that great. He's a guy your racist uncle can get behind.
  4. But he has a Vietnamese wife
    His wife came from Vietnam not knowing English, but made it to Cornell Law School. Or Columbia. One of the Ivies with a C. Anywho, this makes him a worldly president, unlike these other losers who married white people.
  5. He knows our biggest threat
    He knows that the best place to tell China that they don't own the South China Sea is in the first Democratic Presidential Debate. Cyber warfare is no joke, and Jim Webb is not laughing.
  6. He has an A grade from the NRA
    That may make some of you uneasy, but it just means that he's an achiever. Remember in high school how you still had to try in classes you didn't like. It's the same thing here. Failing with the NRA is still failing, and that has no place in Jim Webb's America.
  7. He has an Emmy award
    Sure, it's for journalism, but you know who else was successful in the screen? Reagan. And if we can't get behind that then I don't want to be an American.
  8. He's a real, red-blooded American
    Too many of these candidates are from pansy-ass states like Vermont and Vermont. We want someone from real America, like Virginia. We want Jim Webb. Or at least we should.