How to successfully ride the DC Metro system

It's tourist season again here in DC, and so we locals would like to share all the tips that will help you get the hell out of our way!
  1. Stand on the Right, Walk on the left
    For every escalator, every time. Don't clump with your children, stand in a line down the right side.
  2. Buy your SmarTrip card before approaching the gate.
    Every person must have a card to ride. The machines to buy said card is always at a location on the way to the gates. Stop there FIRST.
  3. You do NOT need to wait for the gate to close from the person in front of you before scanning your card.
    Just scan your card as instructed below when it is your turn.
  4. To successfully scan your SmarTrip card, hold it about a finger's width over the scan pad until the screen tells you the amount on your card.
    You must just let it float there briefly. Don't wiggle it or try to swipe over quickly. Also, Don't slap it on the pad, you will not be able to easily pick it up.
  5. Know which line you need to ride.
    Our system is set up by color (Red Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Silver). The train will say what color line it is on the front of the train as well as a line of that color with the location text on the side of the train.
  6. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO HOLD THE DOORS OF A TRAIN OPEN.
    The doors are not very smart. They do not know you are trying to get your whole group boarded in one door. They will come at you hard when they close. If a door cannot close, it may break causing the train to malfunction and you to ruin everyone's commute.
  7. Move to the center of the car.
    Do not stop walking once you step on the train. Move in until you can't move any more.
  8. Know which stop you are getting off and the stop before it.
    You may not always be able to understand the driver's announcements so pay attention to the signs outside the window. When you are at the stop before your stop, you can prepare yourself and your group to get off. People will move to get you off.
  9. This is not Asshole New York. You are in our Friendly Nation's Capital.
    Most of us are nice. We want you to be successful so that we can be successful. Ask directions, don't be ashamed to check your map, just move out of the way when you do.