Three presidential debates have been scheduled for this fall. They will give Americans a chance to really compare and contrast the slate of candidates. Let's take a look at the format of each debate.
  1. September 23 - Hofstra University, Hempstead, NY
    STRONG ISLAND BABY! James Caan's alma mater will host an interestingly formatted debate where the candidates will answer questions submitted by dispirited New York Islanders' fans while being pummeled by the New York Jets' 3rd string defensive backs. Hillary can rest easy as she handily defeated Long Island dweeb Rick Lazio in her 2000 senate race, and Long Islanders are all the same.
  2. October 9 - Washington University, St. Louis, MO
    At this debate, hosted by Tennessee Williams's alma mater, the candidates will have to be a bit more theatrical. Each candidate will be assigned the role of a different candidate and will answer the moderator's questions as the assigned candidate. What's more is that answers must be sung. While Trump might be a master of theatrics, his brain is utterly incapable of imagining an experience other than his own. Hillary will, again, savagely own him.
  3. October 19 - University of Nevada, Las Vegas, Las Vegas, NV
    At Guy Fieri's alma mater things are gonna get outta bounds. The candidates will select human avatars into whom they can project their mind, spirit, and physical strength. (Their bodies will be preserved, fear not!) After this, the candidates' avatars will enter a heptagonal cage and battle to the death. If she manages to qualify, Jill Stein will win handily due to her healing crystals. Otherwise, Clinton will, as she always does, turn to her friends in Ansar al-Sharia to assure victory.