BEYOND NEW HAMPSHIRE

With another nomination contest behind us, it's time to take a look at the months ahead for each of the presidential candidates. Let's look at their chances, and electoral strategies going forward.
  1. Jeb Bush
    This walking advertisement for erectile dysfunction medicine will pathetically be able to turn his fourth place showing in the Granite State into something of a win. Expect him to trot out his older brother whose Rudy-like ascendancy into the halls of American power will serve as an example to primary voters "hey, anyone can do this, so why not THIS turd?"
  2. Ben Carson
    Apparently he packed enough clothes for his trip to New Hampshire. He'll make a stronger showing in some of the upcoming evangelical strongholds, but that is relative. Expect his Truth-Telling professor from Yale to reveal an embarrassing anecdote about the brain surgeon lying about stabbing someone for lying.
  3. Chris Christie
    His poor showing in New Hampshire seems to be the final nail in his campaign's coffin. Expect him to go back to using interstate traffic jams as a political tool while campaigning for Barack Obama's third term.
  4. Hillary Clinton
    Hillary's showing in New Hampshire was just short of a total catastrophe. The former Secretary of State was already banking on garnering nonwhite votes in the more racially diverse states coming up this month and into March, but it's highly likely the campaign will need more than that. Expect her proxies to redouble their efforts to portray Sanders supporters as young, naive members of a bizarre political sex-cult.
  5. Ted Cruz
    The godless sodomites of the Live Free or Die state were kinder to Fidel Castro's man in the Senate than expected. The far-right evangelical (Fidelista Trojan horse) will garner more votes and develop more momentum as the nominating contests move south. But his nefarious plan to cede control of the US government to Havana will come to light, and he'll be hanged for treason.
  6. Carly Fiorina
    Her propensity for believing every video she sees on the Internet will lead her into the depths of 9/11 trutherism. She will abandon her campaign in an effort to bring the Bush administration to justice for their role in the destruction of the twin towers. She will disappear mysteriously, and Alex Jones will shout about it for a while.
  7. John Kasich
    The republican establishment will finally start to #FeelTheKas and rally around the Ohio governor. He will struggle against Cruz in evangelical-heavy states, causing another panic among elite donors. The resulting mass suicides will cripple the republican electorate.
  8. Marco Rubio
    After his embarrassing as freshly-shit-pants performance at Saturday's debate led to an equally embarrassing fifth place finish, expect him to commit public suicide this week.
  9. Bernie Sanders
    Bernie's scores of sex-crazed millenial supporters propelled him to a decisive victory in New Hampshire. Hillary and her team will make hay out of Sanders's lack of support among nonwhite voters, but now that people know his name, you'll see that change. If he makes it a contest in South Carolina, expect Sidney Blumenthal to have him killed.
  10. Donald Trump
    Fuck, man! This New York plutocrat whose father may or may not have been arrested at a KKK rally actually won a primary. As elite support coalesced around a candidate, it's not that you'll see his support fade, you'll just get a better perspective on it. He'll win a few more primaries before his little prank gets out of hand and he admits he's been trolling us. I say this because I have to believe it. Because if this shit is in earnest, we're doomed.