1. Location:
    Marco Rubio' REAL family lives in West Miami, FL. His SECRET family lives in northern Nevada, close to the Idaho border.
  2. Size:
    Rubio's real family consists of his wife and four children. His secret family consists of an estimated dozen or so husbands and wives and what is called a "brood of the underlings" said to number in the thousands.
  3. Dinner:
    Rubio's real family gathers around their dining room table every night, hold each other's hands, say the traditional catholic grace, and eat a healthy and wholesome meal of fresh meat and produce. His secret family gathers in the communal feeding pit, supplicate themselves before him, and rummage about the pit for morsels of tepid gruel.
  4. Discipline:
    In Rubio's real family, any infraction is punished with a time out and stern, but fair explanation of the offense and why it can not be repeated. In his secret family, all rule breakers must face the crucible where the entire clan approaches the offender and says what they hate most about them.
  5. On Rubio's Presidential Ambitions:
    One of Rubio's real children has said, "my daddy is a good daddy and will be a good president!" The secret family collectively emitted a blue glow from their eyes and said, in terrifying unison, "the man with the neckties will devour us all."