Thursday evening March 3, 2016 at the Fox Theatre in Detroit, MI, the four remaining republican presidential candidates met for the first time since Trump's runaway victory on Super Tuesday. Let's see how their statements measure up to the truth.
  1. Ted Cruz - "If a fiery garbage pile and living troll doll were to make beautiful love, producing viable offspring, the result would not be a creature less repulsive my monstrous visage."
    It would.
  2. John Kasich - "There isn't a soul on this stage better suited to lead this country."
    At the precise moment John Kasich made this statement, the soul of slain American president Abraham Lincoln passed through the stage. While it is unclear if the constitution allows the ghosts of former presidents to serve additional terms in office, it is also worth mentioning that the concept of a soul is a very loose one, and if we take that idea to its obvious extreme, there were some podiums on that stage that looked brighter than these four bozos.
  3. Marco Rubio - "Oh man! I rolled my BALLS off at EDC last year."
    Senator Rubio did not attend Electric Daisy Carnival in 2015. He is actually referring to his time at Lightning in a Bottle festival in Bradley, CA. And the ecstasy he took was good, but not "roll my balls off" good.
  4. Donald Trump - "If all four of us were fired out of cannons, I would travel the farthest!"
    Because of Mr. Trump's size, he would experience a great deal more resistance against the air. As a result, he would travel measurably less far than his opponents. A basic observation on the aerodynamics of the candidates gives this particular contest to Rubio. However, Trump could conceivably cause more damage on impact. Though it is important to remember that Marcobot will produce shrapnel and Ted Cruz is filled with depleted uranium.