FACT CHECKING THE GOP DEBATE

On Thursday night in Houston, the remaining Republican Presidential candidates met to revel in the blood of their slain competitors, and, like argue about policy and stuff. Let's see how their statements measured up to the truth!
  1. Ben Carson - "I definitely have been aware all week that I was still running for president."
    Mr. Carson was under the impression, for most of the past month, that his performance at the primaries and caucuses disqualified him from the nominating contest and did not bother formally dropping out.
  2. Ted Cruz - "By the terms of the Constitution, I am qualified to be president."
    Technically this is true. Article II Section 1 of the constitution stipulates that "no person except a natural born citizen" can be elected president. Because Ted Cruz is not a "person" but rather a swamp monster the fact that he is Canadian is inconsequential.
  3. John Kasich - "I am the last hope to hold together our fractured party."
    There hasn't been hope for the Republican Party since a bunch of lunatics in tricorne hats elected a group of crazier lunatics to important seats of power on a platform of bringing destruction to our democratic process because they were scared of the President's middle name.
  4. Marco Rubio - "I am not a giant lizard-robot in a man-suit."
    He is.
  5. Donald Trump - "I will be the President Americans have dreamed about."
    This is more of a lie of omission. While Americans have historically dreamed of a presidency like the Donald's promises to be, those dreams are better classified as feverish night-terrors.