FACTS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS

Today is Presidents Day! And in honor of America's most sacred holiday, here are some fun facts about all those dudes who have served in the nation's highest office!
  1. George Washington
    Has not cut down a cherry tree in over 200 years!
  2. John Adams
    His favorite Paul Giamatti performance was American Splendor.
  3. Thomas Jefferson
    Founded Jefferson Starship, but not Jefferson Airplane.
  4. James Madison
    Had a record number of cameos on Love Boat.
  5. James Monroe
    His daughter Marilyn became a famous movie actress and presidential murder victim.
  6. John Quincy Adams
    He didn't know his father had already been president until three years after leaving office.
  7. Andrew Jackson
    Is on the twenty dollar bill because that was the value of all the bullets still lodged in his body at the time of his inauguration.
  8. Martin Van Buren
    Was a filthy dutchman.
  9. William Henry Harrison
    Died so shortly after his inauguration that he is not officially recognized as a person.
  10. John Tyler
    Has two first names.
  11. James K. Polk
    The "K" stands for Ketamine, Polk's drug of choice at State dinners.
  12. Zachary Taylor
    Played lacrosse probably. I mean, his name was Zachary.
  13. Millard Fillmore
    Only president named after a comic strip.
  14. Franklin Pierce
    Never actually existed. He is a creation of historians determined to erase all evidence of America's four year experiment with total lawlessness.
  15. James Buchanan
    Changed his first name to Pat in the 1980s in order to run for president again without drawing attention to the fact that he was closing in on 200 years old.
  16. Abraham Lincoln
    Fucking HATED theater.
  17. Andrew Johnson
    Was John Wilkes Booth in an elaborate disguise.
  18. Ulysses S. Grant
    Was Robert E. Lee in an elaborate disguise.
  19. Rutherford B. Hayes
    His last name was originally spelled "Haze," but party elites figured that would make him too cool to be president.
  20. James Garfield
    Hated lasagna. Loved Mondays.
  21. Chester A. Arthur
    Was a vagrant who only served as president because he was squatting in the White House.
  22. Grover Cleveland
    Only president named after a Sesame Street monster.
  23. Benjamin Harrison
    His grandfather died what is largely agreed to be the most pathetic death in human history.
  24. William McKinley
    Did the coolest thing ever done in Buffalo: got murdered.
  25. Theodore Roosevelt
    This dirty hippie loved parks.
  26. William Howard Taft
    Butt of history's most pernicious fat joke.
  27. Woodrow Wilson
    Only president to serve in office while legally dead.
  28. Warren G. Harding
    Was president.
  29. Calvin Coolidge
    Only president named after a character from Calvin and Hobbes.
  30. Herbert Hoover
    Was born Herbert Sorenson, but was once caught in a compromising position with a vacuum cleaner, and, well, here we are.
  31. Franklin Delano Roosevelt
    Three babies in a trench coat.
  32. Harry Truman
    Basically gave us Kim Jong Il.
  33. Dwight D. Eisenhower
    Was drunk the entire Second World War.
  34. John F. Kennedy
    Never had clam chowder.
  35. Lyndon B. Johnson
    Felt guilty about ordering the hit on Kennedy, but what can you do?
  36. Richard Nixon
    Actually was kind of a crook.
  37. Gerald Ford
    Really unpopular with people called "Squeaky."
  38. Jimmy Carter
    Fucking hates peanuts.
  39. Ronald Reagan
    He never understood the significance of the Berlin Wall. He just thought it looked bad.
  40. George H. W. Bush
    Only president with a son who died of patheticness.
  41. Bill Clinton
    Knows perfectly well what the definition of "is" is.
  42. George W. Bush
    Only president with a brother who died of patheticness.
  43. Barack Obama
    Frankly thinks Shepard Fairey's kind of a hack.