1. Jeb Bush
    "He [George] kept us safe!"/He is his own man, not George./He can speak Spanish.
  2. Ben Carson
    I stabbed my cousin./Honesty: my stock and trade!/Grain silo pyramids!
  3. Chris Christie
    Bruce Springsteen just called./"You were not born to run, dude."/That's what the boss said.
  4. Hillary Clinton
    She's going to win./Despite killing Vince Foster./Also Benghazi.
  5. Ted Cruz
    Read Green Eggs and Ham/on the Senate Floor one time./Proud to learn to read!
  6. Carly Fiorina
    Lies about babies/and also everything else./HP laptops suck.
  7. Mike Huckabee
    His son killed a dog./I mean, he's also a prick./But the dog thing's wack.
  8. John Kasich
    So who is this guy?/Governor of Ohio?/That's alright I guess.
  9. Martin O'Malley
    Old Bay Seasoning./I love Old Bay Seasoning!/Old Bay Seasoning!
  10. Rand Paul
    My dad is Ron Paul./I was named after Ayn Rand./How fucked up is that?
  11. Marco Rubio
    Marco Rubio/has only one family/despite what you heard.
  12. Bernie Sanders
    Disheveled white hair./Also got a wacky voice./You feeling the bern?
  13. Donald Trump
    Look, the blacks love me./The Mexicans love me too!/So do the Muslims!