1. Jeb Bush (having just been handed a handful of pills)
    "What's going on here? I try not to do drugs I can't afford." *chuckles like a dumb baby*
  2. Ben Carson (popping two hits of ecstasy)
    "I used to roll my BALLS off during surgeries and that one truth-telling class I took at Yale!"
  3. Chris Christie (having been handed a small sheet of paper with 2 hits of LSD)
    "Look man, I don't want anybody to appear on the shore! Not 3-year-old orphaned refugees and CERTAINLY not cellophane flowers!"
  4. Hillary Clinton (handed a joint)
    "This one goes out to anyone worried about seeing Bill's third term! 420 BLAZE IT!" *takes whole thing straight to the dome.*
  5. Ted Cruz (trembling as he gets tied off)
    "If all the cool kids are doing it."
  6. Carly Fiorina (immediately facedown on a mirror with generous lines of cocaine)
    "And here's the other thing about Intel okay! [massive insufflation of cocaine] those pindicks think they're onto some special [another massive insufflation of cocaine] Oh man! Who wants to see how to build a computer that condemns abortion?!"
  7. Mike Huckabee (being offered a pot brownie)
    "I'm supposed to be cutting back on sweets, but alright!" *hours later* "Man, have you guys ever tried syncing up the bible on tape with these Veggie Tales bible stories?"
  8. John Kasich (being handed a bottle of speed)
    "Oh no man! I only do Trucker's Choice™!" *winks*
  9. Martin O'Malley (examining a vial of crack cocaine)
    "This shit cut with Old Bay?"
  10. Rand Paul (holding ayahuasca tea to his lips)
    "Just like grandma used to make." *vomits*
  11. Marco Rubio (holding glass meth pipe)
    "Why do you think I'm always absent from the Senate? Also, how do I raise my real family AND my secret family?"
  12. Bernie Sanders (licking a toad)
    "What? It wards of malevolent spirits!"
  13. Donald Trump (being offered Ketamine)
    "I refuse to go down any hole! Not a K-hole, not a Mexican rapist hole! Not a Barack Hussein Obama hole! Let's make America Great Again! Also give me some of that ketamine."