POST-IOWA CAUCUS PREDICTIONS

Last night, for the first time in the 2016 presidential race, actual voters actually voted! While the full impact of the results is hard to measure this early, we'd like to offer a few predictions for each of the candidates now that we've seen more or less how voters really feel.
  1. Jeb Bush
    Bush's campaign team will continue this ridiculous "Weekend at Bernie's reimagined as a political thriller" charade until Bush underperforms in a handful more primaries. Then we can expect an announcement that, like the Taliban's Mullah Omar, Jeb! has been dead for two years.
  2. Ben Carson
    A "close relative" of the neurosurgeon turned motivational speaker turned leading republican candidate for president turned 4th place finisher will die. The coroner will rule that the death was a result of stab wounds sustained in childhood. While he will never be convicted, Carson's status as a person of interest in the investigation will completely derail his campaign.
  3. Chris Christie
    The New Jersey governor's corpse will be found in the Meadowlands Sports complex in East Rutherford.
  4. Hillary Clinton
    After Bernie Sanders' mysterious suicide by multiple gunshots wounds from long range, Clinton will easily take the presidency and continue Obama's agenda of suppressing beleaguered white men.
  5. Ted Cruz
    The public will come to their collective senses and send captain fart-face to an island for unpleasant weirdos.
  6. Carly Fiorina
    She'll drop out by March and continue being the leading conservative voice in Silicon Valley which is a special kind of meaningless that is almost admirable.
  7. John Kasich
    He'll continue to be from Ohio.
  8. Rand Paul
    Wait, he hasn't dropped out yet?
  9. Marco Rubio
    The Republican elites will begrudgingly support him, and he'll win the nomination. But his continuing attempts to hide his horrible hairline will turn away voters. He'll become a perennial candidate until his secret family is revealed and he's forced to go into conservative media.
  10. Bernie Sanders
    As mentioned before, some time before Super Tuesday, Senator Sanders will be found dead from multiple gunshot wounds. The coroner, who will have dubious ties to Sidney Blumenthal, will declare the death a suicide.
  11. Donald Trump
    Remember that this guy is his doctor? Well anyway, Trump will unsurprisingly die from a botched experimental medical procedure after another embarrassing loss in New Hampshire.