With four nominating contests behind us, the republican presidential campaign is looking just and confounding and terrifying as ever! Let's try and extrapolate out the data we have and make a few predictions!
  1. Ben Carson
    Someone on his campaign staff will finally, mercifully inform the candidate that no one is going to ask him to leave the race. He'll retire and live off the interest from putting his $10 truth-telling prize in a high-yield investment account.
  2. Ted Cruz
    His crippling detestability will force his campaign staff to quit. As he takes over all operations of his own campaign, he will be unable to hide his true cretin self from the electorate. His mob execution on the charge of just being the worst will set a dangerous precedent for American justice.
  3. John Kasich
    He's banking on the idea that Jeb! was just a few weeks short of winning the sympathy votes of a plurality of republican voters. But going after those votes won't work for him because his narrative wasn't the tragic Shakespearean drama Jeb!'s was. He'll continue quietly drilling Ohio further back into the Stone Age.
  4. Marco Rubio
    He'll be heartbroken when someone tells him he can't keep not winning and saying that he won. He'll take a few states in Super Tuesday, solidifying his place as the "establishment lane" candidate. But as details of his arrest become public (attempting to overthrow the US government for Fidel), he'll lose the support of everyone but Fidel and Raoul Castro, whose influence on US elections has waned.
  5. Donald Trump
    He could very well become president.