Tuesday March 15 brings with it another mess of nominating contests for impending presidential election. While this election makes no sense, is terrible, and cannot be predicted, here are some predictions.
  1. Jeb Bush, with two broken thumbs and a black eye, will finally endorse Donald Trump. Trump will make him cry while doing it, then execute him on stage, screaming "that wasn't good enough!"
  2. Ted Cruz, after a few momentum-sustaining wins, will make a huge gaffe during a victory speech, stating, "we'll go on to the convention, then to the general election, then it's on to clean up Havana!... I mean Washington! Viva Fidel! I mean God bless America!"
  3. Trump will continue his circus of violence by handing out machetes at his victory rally.
  4. Bernie Sanders will nearly electrocute himself trying to maintain a wire connection between the clock tower and his futuristic car.
  5. The phrase "Oh god, I guess vote for Kasich?" will be uttered by so many confounded republican elected officials, that it will become a new American idiom.
  6. Kasich will win his home state of Ohio and have literally no idea how to comport himself.
  7. Hillary Clinton will use the Force to choke Sidney Blumenthal and menacingly intone "I told you to take care of this."
  8. Marco Rubio will finish in third place in Florida and cut his own head off on national TV.